PARENTING THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
We see you. We feel you. We’re with you.
In the best of times, parenting is a challenge. Moms, dads, and other full-time caregivers of the 5-and-under set can attest to the special mental and physical fortitude required to constantly be at the ready for any unforeseen needs, meltdowns, or crises this adorable age set may hurtle in our direction at any second. Though during placid moments of peace and quiet, it can feel like bliss, one unexpected boo-boo, mistimed nap, dropped ice cream cone, or picked-over-meal-leading-to-hangriness can throw the whole day out of whack and leave us dreaming of an afternoon spent alone on a desert island while we troubleshoot the family back to equilibrium.
Now let’s consider parenting during challenging times. We so often talk about and focus on what our children need, but as the world continues to navigate nearly two years of major upheaval, we wanted to take a moment to talk about you. Us. How to zero in on what we need as parents and caregivers to keep our familial ship upright, sailing confidently forward through the choppy seas of life.
These concepts can be applied to any tough days or life phases in the future. We see you. We feel you. We are you. And even though those toughest parenting moments are experienced alone…we’re with you.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
When life feels overwhelming, it’s time to step back, look at our day—or week, or month, or schedule in general—and consider…what is superfluous? What can I scale back?
Modern society would have us believe that we need to be everywhere, do it all, participate in every activity, plan every playdate, attend every birthday party…but in reality, we just don’t. Whatever is right for you and your family will always be the right call for you—which is likely to be different from what’s right for your neighbor, best friend, parents, extended family…
How that specifically translates into you scaling back, then, is of course completely up to you. It may mean pulling your child or children from school or activities for a mental health day (or few). It may mean a full-stop on school year activities or classes that are breaking your energy level due to the logistics and/or emotional bandwidth involved in getting there. It may mean telling your friends or extended family you can’t be present at upcoming gatherings or playdates. It may mean letting the dishes pile up and the laundry remain unfolded or saying NO to extra projects added to your plate at work. It may mean putting your phone on silent, staying off social media, and turning your full focus on yourself and your children. So often, parents—and especially moms—feel self-imposed guilt if we can’t steamroll straight through this incessant modern-life juggle with ease, and a smile—if we can’t be present at events for friends, family, school, and activities. It’s time for us all to look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and acknowledge how very much we all have on our plates simply because we are parents of these amazing tiny humans. That alone is more than enough. Whatever we take on beyond that need only happen because it is right for us—and especially, for the exhausted person in the mirror, charting the family course.
REACH OUT TO FRIENDS
Despite the nonstop jumble of noise from the internal chatter of our life-juggle mental load intermixed with the external squawks of small children underfoot…parenting can feel incredibly isolating—like we are navigating all this alone. In reality, we are not. Inside every household of 5-and-unders is a family wading through their own personal collection of life challenges, and very likely also feeling alone, particularly on those toughest days. Parenting is a fairly isolated and isolating experience, because it usually happens behind closed doors, when we are alone with our children—often, as the sole adult in the room. Because there is no Manual for Parents, when those trickiest parenting moments catch us by surprise, we’re flying by the seat of our pants—following our intuition, sure, but also hoping against hope that the words spilling out of our mouths are wise; that the decision we’re making is sound.
Amid this, reaching out to and sharing the challenges of your experience with a support system is important—whether it’s your mom, your best friend, or fellow parents you trust, having someone to commiserate with may just breathe wind back into your sails and get you through a tough day or week. A brief video chat, phone call, text thread, or—if you can swing it—fresh-air walk with a good friend can be reinvigorating. This connection simultaneously provides us a mental and/or physical escape from the endless duties of parenthood while reminding us we are not alone. Swapping these experiences with fellow parents of littles can be particularly rewarding, as they likely face similar struggles on a moment-by-moment basis.
STEP OUTSIDE
There is no shortage of research and articles expounding the cognitive and mental health benefits of time spent in nature. Speaking from personal experience, an ideal day fits in a walk somewhere, but when we can’t squeeze that in, even briefly stepping out the front door/onto the driveway/into the backyard/walking to get the mail/dragging the trash can to the curb, looking up at the sky and taking a few deep breaths can remind us where those oppressive stresses fit into the grand scheme of the world, and help us shift perspective or recharge us enough to tackle the remaining tasks of the day. If you live in an urban setting or spend a lot of time at your desk, the American Psychological Association article linked above explains that even time spent looking at images and videos of nature can have a positive impact—and that stepping outside with small children can help them self-regulate. (Talk about a win-win!) The more natural the setting, and the longer you can spend outdoors, the better, but if weather or schedule or life-load or location leave you with only a few minutes to expose yourself to the great outdoors, Google-search a favorite nature destination, or bundle up with (or without!) the kids, go outside, and
B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Ahhhh. (We feel better already.)
Shift Your Internal Monologue
When we’re stressed and the world feels like it’s closing in, it can be all too easy to back up that negative inner monologue in our heads, and land in a doubly woeful place. The next time you feel yourself sliding down a slope of negative thought, pause, and shift your inner voice. Consider what you have to be grateful for—starting as small as you need in that particular moment. I am grateful to be breathing…to be healthy…to be holding this steaming mug of tea…for my children…my spouse…my family…my friends…my dog…my cat…the food in my pantry…my home…the ocean…the bird flying outside my window…the sunlight streaming in…the stars in the night sky…the glow of the moon…that my children are silent long enough to allow me this moment of gratitude… Focus on whatever unique combination of simple blessings works for you in a given moment, and revisit as needed.
BE PRESENT
Ohhh that mental load of parenting—and yes, especially motherhood. It can send our thoughts rocketing 50 mph in all directions. When life is at its most overwhelming, we all need to do our best to reel in that thought-flight-pattern, and focus on what is happening right now.
If your kids are at your feet and you’re doom-scrolling through social media, or stressing about an email you need to respond to, STOP. Put down your phone. Sit on the floor with your kids. Observe what they are doing right now—at your baby gazing at the ceiling, your toddler pushing a fistful of Cheerios in his mouth, your preschooler creating a teetering structure of blocks—whatever is happening, engage with it. Be present.
Pay attention to what they are noticing, the little movements of their bodies, the sounds they are making. If you can spare the time, play with them awhile and ban all intrusive thoughts as you attempt to get as lost in the moment as they are.
Forget the life-list convincing you its needs are more pressing and simply be. Sometimes, joining the under-5-set’s perpetual focus on the right-now is all we need.
HUG
Some days, we wake with so much running through our heads, we immediately click into autopilot—changing diapers, getting kids dressed, making lunches, packing school bags—we can forget to stop, look in the eyes of these littles we center our lives around, and give them a big hug. Maybe you never forget the morning hug, but get so sucked into the tasky-ness of the day, the next hug isn’t until bedtime. Silly as it may sound, if you need the reminder to engage in those simple hugs, not only will they benefit your babes, they will boost you.
Close your eyes in that embrace, feel their little arms around you…their little bodies in your arms, be in that moment, and feel your soul fill with joy. On the hardest of hard days, lather, rinse, repeat—as often as needed (or as they’ll allow). We do so much for our children—luckily, the tiniest among them are almost always more than willing to dive into another hug…one of the greatest, most grounding reminders that every drop of our parenting energy is worthwhile.
BE HONEST WITH YOUR KIDS
We are parenting our children under conditions we never saw coming. Naturally, amid this, our instinct is to protect them and their childhood from the weight of the world. Yet they are bound to eventually have questions if they notice you struggling…about the larger issues impacting them…or perhaps you’ll need to pre-emptively let them know about a difficult situation they’ll be walking into.
In those moments, address them honestly, succinctly, and as simply as possible in language appropriate for their age. Even though you’re speaking to the tiniest humans with a limited capability to understand complex concepts, you may find that taking a few moments to have an honest conversation about big-picture challenges of the world, or even what’s on your plate, will help you feel seen, heard, and provide a little steam-valve escape.
Create Simple Moments of Connection
During challenging times, we need moments of connection with our children more than ever—and they need them from us. No matter how overfull our plates may be, pausing to find those moments of connection will replenish everyone’s cups and help our days run more smoothly. When those days are still runaway trains despite all your best efforts, try to close with one of our favorite connection sessions: family reading. With your kids curled up at your side, on your lap, or at your feet as you read them a favorite story, everyone quiets—focusing on the world unfolding through the words you recite… It’s simultaneously a transportive and fully present experience that magically winds us all down, unites and centers us, and allows us to end the day with a WIN.
Moms, dads, and caregivers of all kinds—you are never alone. Truly, we are all in this together. We hope this resource helps you through your most challenging days, and we invite you to share it with anyone you feel could also use these words of support.
