HOW TO PARENT WITH CONFIDENT LEADERSHIP
(Shhhh…That’s Code for Authoritative Discipline)
From Merriam-Webster.com
There’s something about the word discipline that can send parents heading for the hills… questioning whether saying NO is the right call, and feeling bad about ourselves while wondering whether we have to be the bad guy. The truth? Yes, we do. When the occasion calls for it, saying NO, setting limits, and letting our little ones know when they’ve crossed boundaries are not only our parental responsibilities, they are our secret sauce to happy days, kids who are enjoyable to be around, and raising future well-rounded adults.
Within our Harmony team, we’ve often discussed why parents might cringe at the word discipline. We think Merriam Webster’s definition alone (above) offers solid insight into that. Just look at part one: to punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character. That’s probably the type of definition seared into society from a traditional, old-school approach to parenting—the now-defunct notion that children should be seen and not heard. (Yuck!) Rather than punishment (suffering, pain, or penalizing loss), discipline always involves correction and often needs to incorporate healthy consequences (the result of specific actions)—but with the youngest children, that happens most often when we only take a reactive approach.
Proactive Discipline Doesn’t Feel Like Discipline
We are proactive in all that we do at Harmony—which is why part two of Merriam Webster’s discipline definition rings true for us: to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control. BINGO. We can all agree that training, instruction, and self-control are positive attributes we desire to teach our children. In working with hundreds of families and their children over the past 12 years, our classroom strategies, observations, and parental support have shown us beyond a shadow of a doubt: healthy discipline is the key to young children feeling secure and settled.
Children’s inner peace, centeredness, and consistent self-regulation stem from caregivers who know the difference between right and wrong, and can confidently yet gently express the necessary boundaries to foster the development of self-control. This consistent approach to discipline is the greatest gift you can offer a young child.
Confident Leadership:
A Cornerstone of Our Success
At Harmony, we call this proactive approach to discipline Confident Leadership, and it remains one of the cornerstones of our success. Within the world of child psychology and parenting, this style is widely referred to as authoritative parenting or caregiving—and it exists thanks to the pioneering research of world-renowned clinical and developmental children’s psychologist, Diana Baumrind.
Decades ago, Baumrind observed parental leadership behaviors and their influence on children. She coined three parenting-style terms: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative. Permissive parenting is warm yet overindulgent to avoid conflict, with little structure and few rules given or enforced. In contrast, authoritarian parenting runs cool, is highly demanding with strict rules, sometimes harsh punishments, and little consideration for children’s emotional needs (ringing bells to the aforementioned, antiquated children-should-be-seen-not-heard example).
Later research by psychologists Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin prompted Baumrind to eventually incorporate their discovered fourth parenting style into her typology: indifferent or neglectful, which is uninvolved, harsh, and unpredictable.
Authoritative parenting strikes a balance between authoritarian and permissive—meeting children with warmth, structured expectations, and responsiveness, while setting clear rules and limits, and challenging children to do their best. Through longitudinal studies, Baumrind concluded that the authoritative approach is ideal—and leads to the most positive emotional, social, and cognitive development in children.
Authority, in a loving home environment, is a good thing. The best thing.
To become the confident leaders our children need, we must get comfortable consistently acting with authority—confidently demonstrating that we are in charge while earning their esteem toward us as valuable wells of information, thought, opinion, and behavioral standards, worthy (and expectant) of their respect. Stepping into a role of Authoritative Discipline—aka Confident Leadership—is not only healthy for you, your child, and your family…it’s a necessary muscle to get used to flexing every day.
Three Simple Steps to Establish Authoritative Discipline—aka Confident Leadership
1. Get Close
Parenting young children—infants, toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergarteners—is not a birds-eye-view experience. Though whenever possible, we recommend attending to your own tasks while your child plays independently, you need to remain in close physical proximity. You’ve likely experienced that when your child needs a boundary message, shouting it across the house, the playground, or the backyard is not productive. Instead, to ensure the message hits home: come in close. Pause your child’s activity by gently stopping their body or placing your hand over theirs. Ask your child to look in your eyes—it’s the first critical step to centering and re-calibrating your child’s behavior.
2. Speak Quietly Yet Firmly
Now that you’re close, you don’t need to shout. In fact, a loud, booming message would further dysregulate and escalate many children—not to mention, send a simultaneous message that in your household, it’s ok to yell. (Not the message you want to send.)
Instead—maintaining eye contact—speak in a low volume and a very firm voice. Shift your facial expression to a stern look that says: “I am in charge, and you are stepping out of line.” Young children need all of these cues together—eye contact, low volume, firm tone, and an in-charge expression—to fully comprehend the gravity of a boundary message.
3. Use Clear, Simple Words
Though there are a lot of options, “You may not _________” is our number-one, all-time favorite expression at Harmony. It is kind, gentle, clear, firm, and instantly communicates caregivers’ 100% authority.
We truly could write books about the dance of a Confident Leader aka Authoritative Disciplinarian—but for the moment, we hope all of the above has armed you with the confidence to step into this role in your own home. If you need a little more guidance, check out the Confident Leadership section of our previous Harmony’s Magic Formula blog post. To ensure you don’t miss future monthly posts, scroll down to subscribe to our newsletter and stick with us as we dive deeper into Confident Leadership and so much more.
If you try any of this at home or in your classroom, we’d love to hear how it’s going! Tag us (@HarmonyNLC) on Facebook and Instagram, use the hashtags #TheHarmonyApproach #HarmonyNLC ,#HarmonyNaturalLearningCenter, and contact us with questions, comments or future blog topic requests!
Interested in introducing more of The Harmony Approach to your preschooler at home? Check out Harmony at Home today (FREE activities available).
