Harmony’s Magic Formula
AKA How to Enjoy (ALMOST) Every Minute
“Enjoy every minute, it all goes by so fast!” How many times have we all heard a well-meaning aunt or passing shopper utter these words? And isn’t it poetic justice that these comments seem to flow evermore when our children are ultra-boisterous, falling apart at our feet, or systematically removing every candy bar from the check-out line’s impulse display? In response to the innocent commenter, we probably force a tight-lipped smile, while roiling inside. We know we should enjoy every moment. We do. BUT. The days are long. Some days, extremely long. Especially when we’re sleep-deprived. Or our kids are. Or if we happen to be the parents of particularly high-energy or defiant children.
As the minutes crawl by on those long days, what we wouldn’t give for just one. Moment’s. Peace. Those days feel like a dawn-to-dusk slog. Overwhelming, defeating, and no, nice grocery store lady, we cannot enjoy every minute on those days. We can’t even feel them. Because we’re in a storm of chaos, just trying to get to that elusive next moment of peace.
(If that’s the kind of day you’re having today, or have been having lately, HUGS. We see you. We feel you. And ohhhhh have we been there. ::deep breath:: You’ve got this. Even if you don’t feel like you do.)
What if we told you we’ve figured out how to break that defeating cycle—that we’d cracked a formula to allow you to take control of the daily steamroller and use it to smooth the inevitable challenges in your path instead of being flattened by them? Well. We have. And it’s easier than you think.
Connection
+ Independent Play
+ Confident Leadership = Harmony
If you’ve visited The Harmony Approach page on our website, you’ve seen this magic formula before. It’s not just a catchy headline—these are the core pillars supporting the calm, nurturing, peaceful environment we create every day at Harmony. If you step back and intentionally weave these three components into each day with your children, you will find yourself calmer, more refreshed, and—yes, grocery store lady—more able to enjoy every minute. (Well. Most minutes.)
Independent Play—A Quick Word
By now, if you’ve read our other blog posts, spent time at Harmony, or if you follow us on Instagram and Facebook, you know we are allllllll about independent play. It is the heart of your child’s learning and development, so ideally, your daily schedule allows ample time for play, and your home offers one or more dedicated play spaces. The simpler your days (and the simpler your play materials), the more readily your child can creatively, imaginatively engage in play.
Connection + Independent Play—A Dance
From the moment they are born, young children are tiny energy vortexes—constantly burning through fuel. They can run for a while on their own, but to operate smoothly, happily, and peacefully, they require that we, their caregivers, refuel them through brief yet attentive moments of emotional connection. Though this requires complete presence (ahem, put down and silence your phone), these moments are more intuitive and natural than you might imagine, and come down to intentionally meeting your child with eye contact, physical closeness, and emotional intimacy carefully spaced throughout the day.
Let’s say we start with breakfast—a great time to invest 10-15 minutes fully focused on your child. Look in his or her eyes, engage in conversation, and demonstrate that you are thoroughly interested in what he or she has to say. Our kids feel that focus, engagement, and interest—it truly fuels them. Following this session of connection, set out an activity for them (ideas galore in our Learning Through Play post), and step back as they get lost in independent play. Now you can bust out your phone. Check your email. Text a friend. Laugh at something on Instagram. Pay a bill. Wash the dishes. How long you have to focus on yourself depends on your child’s temperament, the sleep he got last night, whether he’s teething…so many factors. The only caveat to your own moment of luxurious independent playtime is to maintain awareness of your child’s waning energy level.
When you can stay ahead of your child’s fuel tank plummeting to zero, you can stave off dreaded moments of crankiness and negative attention-seeking behavior. You’ll know your child needs another connection fill-up when her focus on her activity starts to flicker. That’s your cue!
Swoop in with eye contact, a warm smile, and replenish that little tank—sit down beside her to ask her about what she’s building, share a snack, read a story, or sing a song… Five to ten minutes is all it takes. With practice, you’ll meet your child with the “right” gentle connection for each moment. Our children are so perceptive—they deeply feel when we are connected and focused on them, versus when we’re just absently going through the motions. Sometimes, our refueling connections will be incredibly brief—even being fully focused changing her diaper, tying her shoe, or wiping her nose can do the trick and she will flow right back to independent play.
From there, the dance continues… As she returns to her independent play, so do you to yours, with ever the watchful eye for her flickering interest, triggering another connection session. Keep a handful of independent play activities up your sleeve to strategically introduce throughout the day. A good rule of thumb is to plan for mealtimes to be extended moments of family connection, with brief refueling sessions sprinkled in between.
The cadence of connection to independent play will vary—some days, you’ll notice your children need more connection points, and others, fewer. Engaging in this dance will serve you well from infancy through adolescence, and as your child grows, you’ll slowly, naturally shift from connecting through caregiving moments to talking through real-life challenges.
Confident Leadership
The last ingredient in our magic formula may be the most important factor in maintaining calm and setting your child on a path for success in the world beyond. Confident leadership, or effective boundary setting, begins in infancy, and calmly presents simple, clear, firm, consistent limits that both lay an important foundation and make the future easier for you, your children, and everyone they interact with.
As parents, it can be hard to transition from continuously encouraging your child to saying no and
drawing those boundary-setting lines in the sand (especially when they are infants and toddlers). But it couldn’t be a more critical skill for us to develop. Without consistent, confident leadership, children can become trapped in perpetual testing behavior—endlessly behaving poorly as they seek to understand who is in charge and just how far limits can be pushed. This leads parents into a never-ending cycle of ineffectively nagging their children, who in turn push limits further, resulting in exhausted parents exploding at their children, and sometimes giving up entirely on any given limit, which only encourages children to push limits off the cliff. Don’t let this happen to you!
Keep boundaries within your home simple, clear, and consistent. Don’t use thirty words when three will do. Calmly deliver messages in a low volume with a kind heart and a firm tone—practice if this doesn’t come naturally to you.
When you notice a repeating pattern of poor behavior, swoop in as the confident leader. For example, maybe lately at breakfast, your child has been picking through food and slowly, casually dropping pieces on the floor—side-eyeing you all the way. Confident leaders anticipate poor behavior patterns and teach outside the moment of conflict.
Shortly before you get anywhere near the dining table for the next mealtime, lock eyes with your child and say, “You’ve been really messy at breakfast lately. Today, if I see your food starting to get messy, I am going to move your plate and you will be all done at the table.” No further reminders or discussion. If the behavior presents itself again, unceremoniously follow-through with your promise to end the meal. When you stay calm, you model staying calm for him.
If you lose your cool and yell (it happens to all parents sometimes), give yourself grace and take the opportunity to model apologizing to your child, admit you made a mistake, and communicate that even grown-ups aren’t perfect. When expectations fall short, confident leaders stay calm, follow through on pre-stated consequences, and show grace and forgiveness to children, other caregivers, and themselves. Though we all strive for perfection, whether child or adult, if we misstep, we can always do better the next time.
Be kind to yourself as you seek the sweet spot between harsh and permissive—you’ll eventually arrive at firm and confident, which will help your child feel safe and secure, and behavior should gradually adjust accordingly. (We’ll get deeper into limit-setting and discipline in a future post—we could write a book about it!—but this is a good, basic, proactive start.)
The interplay between connection, independent play, and confident leadership is critical to Harmony’s peaceful, loving atmosphere, and to the harmony within our own homes. We hope you’ve found some hidden gems in this post, and the next time a grocery store lady implores you to enjoy every minute, smile…knowing…with these aces up your sleeve, you can enjoy most of them.
If you try any of this at home or in your classroom, we’d love to hear how it’s going! Tag us (@HarmonyNLC) on Facebook and Instagram, use the hashtags #HarmonyNaturalLearningCenter #TheHarmonyApproach #HarmonyNLC, and contact us with questions, comments or future blog topic requests!
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Interested in introducing more of The Harmony Approach to your preschooler at home? Check out Harmony at Home today (FREE activities available).
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